My response? Thank you for this site. I cut my own hair, even, cook for him even when I am sick.
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I felt as if I was grieving our son without my husband.for months. I ended up sleeping in a separate bedroom just to cope, and it did give me a peace from the nightly scenario of him walking me up if I were snoring. Thats when I decided to change me, not her. What need have they for a Savior when they are perfect, thus without sin? (I am 3000 miles away.) The less you say to them the better, as they can twist and distort the most simple sentence into a knock-down-drag-out arguing match where you never win. He has damaged so many women with his lies and deceit. Anyhow, on his deathbed my dad said to me, I have had the best wife in the world. I was rendered speechless as I have only known cruelty from hersurely he had seen her be cruel? He became worse and became them in a very bad way. It seems like an oxymoron for a narc to mourn, when they simply replace the object with another model. Are their children by your marriage to him? If you are concerned about Biblical admonitions against divorce, please read this post: https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2014/07/04/what-about-divorce-a-resource/ Barbara Roberts book is very helpful. I excused the abuse to the emotion he must be holding inside. In other words, the familiar owl sound, that whoo-whoo we have heard at night, only represents a fraction of the different kinds of owls. I believe and teach that narcissism is a choice a flesh pattern, as you say. You grieve his path of destruction. I state without revocation that grieving a non-narcissist versus a narcissist is completely different. Change), You are commenting using your Facebook account. One of my near relations has a learning disorder that may be undiagnosed A. I have seen him display a few N traits now and then, but not as his usual behavior. How can they tear down their idol while at the same time polishing it [the false image of their self]? Well, now I have to get a new hairdresser! I suspect that narcissists will move quickly to those practical things simply because thats how they see people. Absolutely, completely, permanently, eternally dependent on Jesus! That was it. Yes, God can do all things. Sadly, Many of us on this blog have been there. I think his narcissism comes from his childhood, and is long-standing. I have 10 more months to decide. Sorry my reply seems to be a ramble.to conclude.
I committed my life to Jesus in my first year of uni and this has caused much hatred and abuse from her! It wasnt about I missed seeing my dad die! And this, was supposed to be from the lips of a so-called Christian man (my husband) nor did he say anything like I know where my dad is now, in heaven, nor did he say anything about his mother being in heaven, when he spoke at her memorial. My ex-boyfriend now uses his sad circumstances as an excuse for the way in which he has hurt othersbut how did the loss of his son drive him to sexually abuse me and assault me? He raised his closed fist to my face, I had to think fast. All of us, in one way or another, wonder who we are now that our loved one is gone. Without empathy. At least that was true. When the narcissist mourns, he mourns as a narcissist. It seems, then, he uses this grief in a way to self-aggrandize. It had been a nightmare from Day One.
It sounds crazy, but its true. The experience of grief will be different for each individual as well. Right in the middle of the crying he said I dont know why I am so upset we split years ago. I ventured, Because you ruined her life? Perhaps the only way it is the same is in the general, broad sense that we all go through the five universal stages of grief. When my dad died, my husband did not say Im sorry your dad died no consolation, no grieving. My exN grieved his father, but treated me and others as though we couldnt possibly be experiencing the same depth of emotion he was. At the same time the narcissist has worked very hard to deny or destroy any heart feelings toward anyone. I grieved the total absence of any remorse or attempt at resolution by him during the two years we were divorced. I dont think that means he doesnt mourn him, or grieve his loss. I cant explain it except that the whole sad business had to be all about him. Hadnt she even checked the bathrooms?! Coward as he is, he stopped. My point in all of this is we all grieve differently and there is generally a whole lot more to grieve at the death of a narcissistic personality disordered ex-husband than just his passing, e.g., the wide and deep path of destruction and deception they leave behind. Came the narcissism diagnosis and boy, he fits all the signs. There is no question in my mind at this point that most of them do it knowingly, but some could possibly do it out of ignorance. We all tend to speak more highly of someone who has departed. He had not seen her in many years. Afterwards, he kept asking everyone if they liked it and how good it was. They always seem to use life events as a jumping off point for their next binge of polishing their own images. I remember the good times. He was no longer suffering with bipolar disorder and there could be no more damage done by his lying, manipulating, scapegoating, ridiculous demands, etc. I learned she was angry at my poor deceased sister for choosing such a horrible venue to hold her wake. But God can and does want to work in our own lives and minds and hearts: to be discerning, to expose evil, to speak truth, to speak clearly, to stand tall, and yes, to even walk away. Apparently he never showed up to pick up his sister, never called to say he wasnt coming and didnt answer his phone the whole weekend and did not call anyone with an explanation for why he didnt show up. I wasnt, at first; while in some of the worst emotional pain of my life I couldnt stop worrying about him. This one had me thinking and writing. Crying my heart out for my Dad. He said I placed all the proceed of a house we sold in my name. My take is that they mourn for the loss of N supply. In my small experience, the more he feels accepted and loved, the more he has blossomed and moved on to healthier coping methods. I am curious about the connection you had or have with your ex husband and his family. He lightly touches on his siblings. I know I am a sinner saved,by grace, but, narcissism is evil on a deeper,level and without supernatural Divine intervention somehow lifting,the scales from the eyes of the narcissist, there is,no hope for them. I am her sister, I said. It feels so much better. Hi Penny.
No, narcissists do no have empathy, neither can they relate to it. As Ns age they wear out many of their closest relationships and have a hard time replacing the ones that leave them. So I humbly suggest that you pray for you. Yes, there was money left for those things and it was in his control. If the family members and friends defended the narcissist during his life, their efforts seemed to double after death. When our little granddaughter died suddenly of SIDS, we were all at the hospital in shock.
We can see through the veneer to what is underneath. For example, the statement was how badly I must feel for the way I treated him. My narcissist husband and I have just recently separated (trial).
But its oddbecause it is like a playlike he is playing the perfect mourner. I realized then that my mother had convinced him I was selfish and evil. 1. The best thing to do is to get your mind off these emotionally draining ingrates, as they will drain you dry. It was a human-like scream followed by a series of hoots. Always playing the victim. He continued that throughout our relationship and after our separation and divorce. But I lost my trust in him and beginning to hate his unreasonable hatred towards me. I always have cherished them; I tried to get him to spend more time with his dad, but he believed his dad would live forever because HE (the N) wanted him to. A few years later his grand mother was dying. He is lazy, unmotivated, he loves soap opera adultery and physical hitting of families. He has always been mean with money. Very soon after our son died, he suggested several times that we not have any more childrenthat we could travel and work with the youth at church instead. It seems very familiar. However, narcissists usually have few or none of the related characteristics of these disorders. My mom is a narcissist and she cries a lot during funerals maybe this is another form of getting narcissistic supply since a lot of people comfort her when she is crying. Narcissists are not human beings. God surely can do all things? The child died, in fact, of pneumonia undetected at a doctors visit days earlier. There are just no words for such malfeasance. Not a word about love or commitment. Please dont think of yourself as cruel for disagreeing with me or for criticizing him. He may not remain a coward. Or the anger might be trapped forever without hope of resolution. He got money and bought a guitar to remember her by. Yet, here she was as if completely oblivious to the reality of the situation. He just said no , that he was leaving. I looked down at the bar. when a narcissist mourns, he mourns as a narcissist, there are no truer words. I stayed calm but burst into tears later. Now I can, especially after how I was so unwelcome at Wendys wake. These are generalizations, of course. Second, all grief is intensely personal and directed inward.
Before she passed away, we went to visit her at his sisters house where his mother was being cared for. Or almost never. As an ex-wife of a narcissist in my 40s, I had spent many years grieving for everything my relationship with my ex-husband was not. I would not go along with their fictitious version of the late narcissist, as the puppet spewed their slander and grief on me. You remember the good times, the good qualities. He used that incident to get what he wanted from us. I also saw the truth and had the character to stand up and confront my narcissist ex-husband. The loss of the hope that he would never change, that he wouldnt get help, and that he would never be a spouse who loved me. The scapegoat survivor also has the social taboo of speaking ill of the deceased, and not just any deceased but a deceased ex-husband who suicided, to deal with in order to be able to speak the truth or grieve honestly. What I actually did was call my venomous narcissistic ex-husband on the carpet for his abuse, lies, treating me poorly, etc. He would also often accuse the victim of the very thing he was doing, but he would also put forth fabrications. But the abuse never stopped. Just googled the problems I have and the loneliness in a marriage of 40 years. I hope you can visit with your sisters family while keeping some distance from the flying monkeys.. It was a couple of weeks after that he hit me for the first time.
Like many here, I had to learn that the narc would not change. I am 66, how long have I got to live. Your explanation makes so much sense. I gave and he took. He was not the only puppet to attack, but I have had the whole bunch of them out of my life for a few years now. Someone who held himself out as the exact opposite of what he actually was.
Welcome to grace! Also, grief does move most of us to do things, say things, and feel things that will be narcissistic (if we think of narcissistic as self-centered). So many sites say no contact if you can leave the relationship. When she told me that, I strongly believed the only thing I would ever feel toward my ex-husband was anger because I was still in the heat of it. Sorry to ramble! For him, recognizing how he hurts others is more about self-pity than guilt. They are still in the rabbit hole and did not appreciate me refusing to play along. My brother explained, my mom wanted the assets all to pass to her so she could make a new will. no tears, no apologies, no regrets. Thinking back to the very cold, callous way my narc wife dumped me, so matter of fact, all about her needs, like shed done it many times before. She is an evil 90+ year old who still manipulates & undermines & often wails how much longer do you think you will have me around? I am still praying for the Lord to change his heart. Oh I love that!!! Jan~this is just awful.
I slipped it into my purseand have it here on my coffee table. He did the same thing when I went outside to see how one of our kids was doing that night. It was then I shared with my sister that I was sure my mom had NPDand explained how my sister Emma was the golden childthat Wendy too was expected to be a flying monkey and was the victim of my mothers wrath when she didnt comply. His dad was 200 miles away, so it was not an easy decision to know when to go. I think it took me several years to arrive at that point. I COULD CHANGE!! I was verbally assaulted after my ex-husbands death by his wife #3 and several different relatives. Everyone noticed him following me ( I had spent the past 4 years totally avoiding him unless business related issues came up). There was a coaster (cardboard beer mat) with a flying monkey on it! Then, the gossip by wife #3s family and friends was that he did not do anything at all and was a complete angel. I wanted to respond to him so badly, but I cant get myself wrapped up again. He is a Mamas boy (enmeshed) and never stood by me when the narcissist mother abused me in public, so many times.
Thanks for your very prompt reply! I decided that I am continuing no contact and just sending flowers to the funeral home and a card to the family. Thats what Anna C & Kathy Krajko call a perverted response, not in a sexual sense, but in an abnormal, aberrant way. My mother is 85and as healthy as a horse. I grieved the fact that there was a human being walking around on this planet who could inflict so much merciless devastation without batting an eye ever. I asked him to leave some of my part pension on the account -because he moves it to another account as soon as it arrives for food shopping. Holding crying females, while looking handsome in his suit. I was reading some boards about dealing with grief after a narcissist person dies. But surprisingly, it is freeing! And If I die before my narc, shes not welcome at my funeral either!! However, I flat refuse to play lets pretend with anyone anymore. I am now praying that the golden girl sister and I could begin a relationship with herthankfully she is beginning to understand I have not been lying for years about my mothers behaviour. He was sexually abusive, and raped me after we broke up (out of feelings of entitlement and rejection, and anger and insecurity). That is a very accurate statement. The remaining eight and a half of our marriage and the two years after we divorced were complete hell. I think he was terribly hurt by his sons death, yes. ..like dew drops in a very dusty desert! Perhaps it was not a lack of grief, but that I had already spent a decade processing that grief. As it was, my husband hesitated, and left to go visit his dad in the hospital leaving four hours later than what he could have. Thank you, Julianne, ill never forget how Bryan, when he saw me crying on the way home to Colorado from Aunt Helens funeral, asked me, Whats the matter? eva ________________________________.
He blamed himself, as he was a smoker when his wife of the time got pregnant. The other Grandpa had to tell him to back off. He was in his glory reading the eulogy he wrote. Change). I experienced strongly conflicting emotions. Wife #3 treated my late ex-husband as if he was the best man in the entire world. I wish this blog were secure enough to guarantee everyones safety, but I know that Ns come here especially if they see the link on their home or wifes computer. I went 6 months NC. Phone calls ensued in which I told the venue was already going to be full, and that only Wendys co-workers would be there. My ex-Ns father just died and your sensitive and knowledgeable comments have quietened my thoughts and hardened my resolve to continue no contact. He would even taunt me when I attempted to protest the abuse by sarcastically saying, Poor you. She has mentioned his name maybe twice.. maybe. He wants to see me, or manipulate me, to somehow keep me in his life, without any feeling as to how this is bad for me (he is ashamed of what he did, but not ashamed to own up or to feel genuine remorse, or feel guilt for preying on my desire for an apology). Please dont think of yourself as narcissistic just because you felt some confusing relief at the death of a loved one. O.o. Who or what is on the throne? Please note, I was not expressing my own grief or anger to them, but they were expressing their grief to me. He gets up and delivers a good and proper eulogy at the candlelight vigil his wife has organized. I didnt realize it then because I was so brain-washed and society didnt have a clue as to what NPD was, until later that what he wanted to do was save his name for another baby boy we may have in the future. It is peaceful now that is away. Yet my husbands sister had called him up and had told him the doctors could do nothing more for his dad and he was going to be discharged with hospice.
He also took when I did not give.
MARVELOUS!!! I hear your love for your sister, and I am truly sorry you had to endure a parent denigrating her own child beyond the grave. The lawsuit demonstrated his ability to make me out to be a monster but did not account for the actions he took that caused extensive damage to me. Providing a back-link or the URL of the content you wish to disseminate; and
Change), You are commenting using your Twitter account. my bf is a narcisstic abuser, he mourn the death of his niece but he didnt cry for losing her as much as he was worried about himself and when he dies, when someone from his family is ill he become extra sweet and caring for them, the only person who gets shit from him is me, I dont get it ..it breaks me a lot.. he is nice to stranger and everyone except me, I have thought of ending my life many times because I was not good enough for him and the rest of the world is good, but then I became careless..I started to tell myself I will be ok one day and I dont have to be good for him, he said many times, I wish you die , I will never cry or even attend your funeral when you die, I cried from that..I felt so sad and ashamed of myself for picking such a man in my life. I had to sit down and really think about this as I am currently processing this myself. Oh, yuck. He was severely depressed, yet his final gesture was to give me one last swift kick. I can relate to this with my husband. I do feel terrible for him that he lost his son. Blessings and gratitude to you. I encouraged him to go. In retrospect, I honestly believe his mind was on the preservation of his image after his death, as crazy as that may sound. Then my sister (not Wendy) sent me an email saying that the family was taking legal action against me. If you are standing up to your narc mil, your health will strengthen. Seriously. I have these same questions about my future ex narc husband? So narcissists might experience a sense of relief when an opponent, who might even be a parent or sibling, passes away. I regret the years of toil and pain with him 40 years of hoping. Also, grief may be somewhat narcissistic for all of us. I was a mess my whole lifeuntil about age 40 when I went to counselling. With my ex his father was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. The fact that it was a one-way, parasitic relationship was even more exceedingly clear after his death. This explains so much on so many levels. Told him your instructions he sent are still in my email. The less you try to figure out the narcissist the better off you will be, as their reasoning is circular, which comes back in their favor; and there is no end to their masks to deceive.
At the same time, the narcissists I have known have handled grief in peculiarly narcissistic ways. Dear Sally: I am glad you discovered this blog, and I am so sorry for your pain. Skillfully. His eyes were on us all night, licking us up, eating us alive. He sat with his dad for an hour or something and then was tired. But narcissists avoid connecting in this way. Truth seems to cause him to rage. From what Ive experienced with Ns they are always the bride at the wedding and the corpse at every funeral. When my husband got back home from his trip, the strange thing he said to me was He didnt wait for us! Meaning, my husband didnt get there in time. My MIL narc yelled at me at my own mothers funeral b/c we had an open casket in the chapel. (And I dont think what he did to me means he doesnt want to feel love). Mourning becomes a competition, & tears are just a weapon, a self-absorbed drama designed to turn attention away from the deceased & onto them, but never to where it rightfully belongs. My mother may send me a money on my bdI will feel obligated to say thank you.
He cornered me and asked for another hug. We all inherited, but he spent it paying off the house we live in and buying a new truck. So hopefully, I can go NCI know it is hard. I get it. While trying to get the keys I was inadvertently pulled over a dining room chair and fell on the ceramic tile floor hard. I really appreciate your compassionate view of this and the need not to over generalize this topic, Dave. As my therapist told me years before, I truly began to deeply pity my ex-husband.
My father had left everything to my mom with the remnants to pass to his seven children, so why did this need to change. He had people giving various negative responses to the scapegoats in an effort to defend him when he was consistently the ruthless aggressor. Then, one night we were arguing, he accused me of being too greedy. Strange at the time but now it makes perfect sense. No grief at alljust anger as if Wendy hadnt passed from a dreadful disease that had passed from her liver to her brain, but was trying to make my mom look bad. I know my mom has written me out of her will. Whether its a wedding or a funeral, the narc HAS to be the center of attention. My husband (we were separated for 4 years at the time) kept following me around and finally cornered me and asked rather churlishly if I couldnt give him a hug? I just decided to read to give me strength. Thank you and God bless. That was a cruel post. My point throughout was that narcissists do mourn, but not like the rest of us. He called me to give me the news. I though when his narcissists parents die, hed be free from their clutches. We have all prayed fervently for the narc in our lives, but it took me years to give myself permission to pray for my own strength, my own faith, my own discernment, my own voice. His grief, like all of his emotions, was only skin deep; a means to a selfish end. The way we grieve a narcissistic personality disordered spouse may be off the charts different, in another ballpark. She gets angry with him (understandably) for his emotional distance; after all, she has gone through the same pain, is going through the same grief, and she carried the child for nine months in her womb. But, some of the mourners, including her own sister said to me, That was so nice what he said, but it didnt really sound like Sis. And auntie was rightit sounded nothing like herhe could have written a nice eulogy that celebrated her good points without reinventing her. When she died, he changed. Mind you, my ex-husband died suddenly, unexpectedly and young. It is learned very early in life and so strongly supported that very few will choose to live differently. I see its hard for them to go to funerals. The advent of social media and look at me, look at me would make one think so. So I caved. (I appreciate the great questions that come up in the comments from time to time. Then when they called him home to his dads death bed he told me that he ended up going down to the car and sleeping. However despite my wedding plans cancelled by her i got married 9 month earlier.God provided in ways I cannot begin to list.It has only been since an outburst at New Year I realise the faith nonsense has NOTHING to do with her outrageous behaviour..she has always had narcissistick tendencies as long as I can remember and has made it an excuse for so much. And if they do, you would see their face and its empty. I know that sounds strange, but he comes, and flys right into being the most supportive mournerrunning here and there taking care of things. When he killed himself, there could be no more hope of change or resolution. I am so happy to be in contact with you. Im so glad you caught the irony & a private joke between you and Wendy!! Having experienced some painful misunderstandings related to grief, it eases my heart to hear truth! (LogOut/ While my ex left Me because his feelings were hurt.
Now Im thankful that the generational curse was broken by his death. It was extremely sad, and very well-written. 3. I have been discovering the pain of facing up to having two narcissistic parentsOne is now dead, and the other is my mum who is 85 with health issues.I am presently unravelling the ghastly relationship with my mum and seeking God to guide me in the ways to respond to her.After a lifetime of distress now I am beginning to understand the way she is
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I felt as if I was grieving our son without my husband.for months. I ended up sleeping in a separate bedroom just to cope, and it did give me a peace from the nightly scenario of him walking me up if I were snoring. Thats when I decided to change me, not her. What need have they for a Savior when they are perfect, thus without sin? (I am 3000 miles away.) The less you say to them the better, as they can twist and distort the most simple sentence into a knock-down-drag-out arguing match where you never win. He has damaged so many women with his lies and deceit. Anyhow, on his deathbed my dad said to me, I have had the best wife in the world. I was rendered speechless as I have only known cruelty from hersurely he had seen her be cruel? He became worse and became them in a very bad way. It seems like an oxymoron for a narc to mourn, when they simply replace the object with another model. Are their children by your marriage to him? If you are concerned about Biblical admonitions against divorce, please read this post: https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2014/07/04/what-about-divorce-a-resource/ Barbara Roberts book is very helpful. I excused the abuse to the emotion he must be holding inside. In other words, the familiar owl sound, that whoo-whoo we have heard at night, only represents a fraction of the different kinds of owls. I believe and teach that narcissism is a choice a flesh pattern, as you say. You grieve his path of destruction. I state without revocation that grieving a non-narcissist versus a narcissist is completely different. Change), You are commenting using your Facebook account. One of my near relations has a learning disorder that may be undiagnosed A. I have seen him display a few N traits now and then, but not as his usual behavior. How can they tear down their idol while at the same time polishing it [the false image of their self]? Well, now I have to get a new hairdresser! I suspect that narcissists will move quickly to those practical things simply because thats how they see people. Absolutely, completely, permanently, eternally dependent on Jesus! That was it. Yes, God can do all things. Sadly, Many of us on this blog have been there. I think his narcissism comes from his childhood, and is long-standing. I have 10 more months to decide. Sorry my reply seems to be a ramble.to conclude.
I committed my life to Jesus in my first year of uni and this has caused much hatred and abuse from her! It wasnt about I missed seeing my dad die! And this, was supposed to be from the lips of a so-called Christian man (my husband) nor did he say anything like I know where my dad is now, in heaven, nor did he say anything about his mother being in heaven, when he spoke at her memorial. My ex-boyfriend now uses his sad circumstances as an excuse for the way in which he has hurt othersbut how did the loss of his son drive him to sexually abuse me and assault me? He raised his closed fist to my face, I had to think fast. All of us, in one way or another, wonder who we are now that our loved one is gone. Without empathy. At least that was true. When the narcissist mourns, he mourns as a narcissist. It seems, then, he uses this grief in a way to self-aggrandize. It had been a nightmare from Day One.
It sounds crazy, but its true. The experience of grief will be different for each individual as well. Right in the middle of the crying he said I dont know why I am so upset we split years ago. I ventured, Because you ruined her life? Perhaps the only way it is the same is in the general, broad sense that we all go through the five universal stages of grief. When my dad died, my husband did not say Im sorry your dad died no consolation, no grieving. My exN grieved his father, but treated me and others as though we couldnt possibly be experiencing the same depth of emotion he was. At the same time the narcissist has worked very hard to deny or destroy any heart feelings toward anyone. I grieved the total absence of any remorse or attempt at resolution by him during the two years we were divorced. I dont think that means he doesnt mourn him, or grieve his loss. I cant explain it except that the whole sad business had to be all about him. Hadnt she even checked the bathrooms?! Coward as he is, he stopped. My point in all of this is we all grieve differently and there is generally a whole lot more to grieve at the death of a narcissistic personality disordered ex-husband than just his passing, e.g., the wide and deep path of destruction and deception they leave behind. Came the narcissism diagnosis and boy, he fits all the signs. There is no question in my mind at this point that most of them do it knowingly, but some could possibly do it out of ignorance. We all tend to speak more highly of someone who has departed. He had not seen her in many years. Afterwards, he kept asking everyone if they liked it and how good it was. They always seem to use life events as a jumping off point for their next binge of polishing their own images. I remember the good times. He was no longer suffering with bipolar disorder and there could be no more damage done by his lying, manipulating, scapegoating, ridiculous demands, etc. I learned she was angry at my poor deceased sister for choosing such a horrible venue to hold her wake. But God can and does want to work in our own lives and minds and hearts: to be discerning, to expose evil, to speak truth, to speak clearly, to stand tall, and yes, to even walk away. Apparently he never showed up to pick up his sister, never called to say he wasnt coming and didnt answer his phone the whole weekend and did not call anyone with an explanation for why he didnt show up. I wasnt, at first; while in some of the worst emotional pain of my life I couldnt stop worrying about him. This one had me thinking and writing. Crying my heart out for my Dad. He said I placed all the proceed of a house we sold in my name. My take is that they mourn for the loss of N supply. In my small experience, the more he feels accepted and loved, the more he has blossomed and moved on to healthier coping methods. I am curious about the connection you had or have with your ex husband and his family. He lightly touches on his siblings. I know I am a sinner saved,by grace, but, narcissism is evil on a deeper,level and without supernatural Divine intervention somehow lifting,the scales from the eyes of the narcissist, there is,no hope for them. I am her sister, I said. It feels so much better. Hi Penny.
No, narcissists do no have empathy, neither can they relate to it. As Ns age they wear out many of their closest relationships and have a hard time replacing the ones that leave them. So I humbly suggest that you pray for you. Yes, there was money left for those things and it was in his control. If the family members and friends defended the narcissist during his life, their efforts seemed to double after death. When our little granddaughter died suddenly of SIDS, we were all at the hospital in shock. We can see through the veneer to what is underneath. For example, the statement was how badly I must feel for the way I treated him. My narcissist husband and I have just recently separated (trial).
But its oddbecause it is like a playlike he is playing the perfect mourner. I realized then that my mother had convinced him I was selfish and evil. 1. The best thing to do is to get your mind off these emotionally draining ingrates, as they will drain you dry. It was a human-like scream followed by a series of hoots. Always playing the victim. He continued that throughout our relationship and after our separation and divorce. But I lost my trust in him and beginning to hate his unreasonable hatred towards me. I always have cherished them; I tried to get him to spend more time with his dad, but he believed his dad would live forever because HE (the N) wanted him to. A few years later his grand mother was dying. He is lazy, unmotivated, he loves soap opera adultery and physical hitting of families. He has always been mean with money. Very soon after our son died, he suggested several times that we not have any more childrenthat we could travel and work with the youth at church instead. It seems very familiar. However, narcissists usually have few or none of the related characteristics of these disorders. My mom is a narcissist and she cries a lot during funerals maybe this is another form of getting narcissistic supply since a lot of people comfort her when she is crying. Narcissists are not human beings. God surely can do all things? The child died, in fact, of pneumonia undetected at a doctors visit days earlier. There are just no words for such malfeasance. Not a word about love or commitment. Please dont think of yourself as cruel for disagreeing with me or for criticizing him. He may not remain a coward. Or the anger might be trapped forever without hope of resolution. He got money and bought a guitar to remember her by. Yet, here she was as if completely oblivious to the reality of the situation. He just said no , that he was leaving. I looked down at the bar. when a narcissist mourns, he mourns as a narcissist, there are no truer words. I stayed calm but burst into tears later. Now I can, especially after how I was so unwelcome at Wendys wake. These are generalizations, of course. Second, all grief is intensely personal and directed inward.
Before she passed away, we went to visit her at his sisters house where his mother was being cared for. Or almost never. As an ex-wife of a narcissist in my 40s, I had spent many years grieving for everything my relationship with my ex-husband was not. I would not go along with their fictitious version of the late narcissist, as the puppet spewed their slander and grief on me. You remember the good times, the good qualities. He used that incident to get what he wanted from us. I also saw the truth and had the character to stand up and confront my narcissist ex-husband. The loss of the hope that he would never change, that he wouldnt get help, and that he would never be a spouse who loved me. The scapegoat survivor also has the social taboo of speaking ill of the deceased, and not just any deceased but a deceased ex-husband who suicided, to deal with in order to be able to speak the truth or grieve honestly. What I actually did was call my venomous narcissistic ex-husband on the carpet for his abuse, lies, treating me poorly, etc. He would also often accuse the victim of the very thing he was doing, but he would also put forth fabrications. But the abuse never stopped. Just googled the problems I have and the loneliness in a marriage of 40 years. I hope you can visit with your sisters family while keeping some distance from the flying monkeys.. It was a couple of weeks after that he hit me for the first time.
Like many here, I had to learn that the narc would not change. I am 66, how long have I got to live. Your explanation makes so much sense. I gave and he took. He was not the only puppet to attack, but I have had the whole bunch of them out of my life for a few years now. Someone who held himself out as the exact opposite of what he actually was.
Welcome to grace! Also, grief does move most of us to do things, say things, and feel things that will be narcissistic (if we think of narcissistic as self-centered). So many sites say no contact if you can leave the relationship. When she told me that, I strongly believed the only thing I would ever feel toward my ex-husband was anger because I was still in the heat of it. Sorry to ramble! For him, recognizing how he hurts others is more about self-pity than guilt. They are still in the rabbit hole and did not appreciate me refusing to play along. My brother explained, my mom wanted the assets all to pass to her so she could make a new will. no tears, no apologies, no regrets. Thinking back to the very cold, callous way my narc wife dumped me, so matter of fact, all about her needs, like shed done it many times before. She is an evil 90+ year old who still manipulates & undermines & often wails how much longer do you think you will have me around? I am still praying for the Lord to change his heart. Oh I love that!!! Jan~this is just awful.
I slipped it into my purseand have it here on my coffee table. He did the same thing when I went outside to see how one of our kids was doing that night. It was then I shared with my sister that I was sure my mom had NPDand explained how my sister Emma was the golden childthat Wendy too was expected to be a flying monkey and was the victim of my mothers wrath when she didnt comply. His dad was 200 miles away, so it was not an easy decision to know when to go. I think it took me several years to arrive at that point. I COULD CHANGE!! I was verbally assaulted after my ex-husbands death by his wife #3 and several different relatives. Everyone noticed him following me ( I had spent the past 4 years totally avoiding him unless business related issues came up). There was a coaster (cardboard beer mat) with a flying monkey on it! Then, the gossip by wife #3s family and friends was that he did not do anything at all and was a complete angel. I wanted to respond to him so badly, but I cant get myself wrapped up again. He is a Mamas boy (enmeshed) and never stood by me when the narcissist mother abused me in public, so many times.
Thanks for your very prompt reply! I decided that I am continuing no contact and just sending flowers to the funeral home and a card to the family. Thats what Anna C & Kathy Krajko call a perverted response, not in a sexual sense, but in an abnormal, aberrant way. My mother is 85and as healthy as a horse. I grieved the fact that there was a human being walking around on this planet who could inflict so much merciless devastation without batting an eye ever. I asked him to leave some of my part pension on the account -because he moves it to another account as soon as it arrives for food shopping. Holding crying females, while looking handsome in his suit. I was reading some boards about dealing with grief after a narcissist person dies. But surprisingly, it is freeing! And If I die before my narc, shes not welcome at my funeral either!! However, I flat refuse to play lets pretend with anyone anymore. I am now praying that the golden girl sister and I could begin a relationship with herthankfully she is beginning to understand I have not been lying for years about my mothers behaviour. He was sexually abusive, and raped me after we broke up (out of feelings of entitlement and rejection, and anger and insecurity). That is a very accurate statement. The remaining eight and a half of our marriage and the two years after we divorced were complete hell. I think he was terribly hurt by his sons death, yes. ..like dew drops in a very dusty desert! Perhaps it was not a lack of grief, but that I had already spent a decade processing that grief. As it was, my husband hesitated, and left to go visit his dad in the hospital leaving four hours later than what he could have. Thank you, Julianne, ill never forget how Bryan, when he saw me crying on the way home to Colorado from Aunt Helens funeral, asked me, Whats the matter? eva ________________________________.
He blamed himself, as he was a smoker when his wife of the time got pregnant. The other Grandpa had to tell him to back off. He was in his glory reading the eulogy he wrote. Change). I experienced strongly conflicting emotions. Wife #3 treated my late ex-husband as if he was the best man in the entire world. I wish this blog were secure enough to guarantee everyones safety, but I know that Ns come here especially if they see the link on their home or wifes computer. I went 6 months NC. Phone calls ensued in which I told the venue was already going to be full, and that only Wendys co-workers would be there. My ex-Ns father just died and your sensitive and knowledgeable comments have quietened my thoughts and hardened my resolve to continue no contact. He would even taunt me when I attempted to protest the abuse by sarcastically saying, Poor you. She has mentioned his name maybe twice.. maybe. He wants to see me, or manipulate me, to somehow keep me in his life, without any feeling as to how this is bad for me (he is ashamed of what he did, but not ashamed to own up or to feel genuine remorse, or feel guilt for preying on my desire for an apology). Please dont think of yourself as narcissistic just because you felt some confusing relief at the death of a loved one. O.o. Who or what is on the throne? Please note, I was not expressing my own grief or anger to them, but they were expressing their grief to me. He gets up and delivers a good and proper eulogy at the candlelight vigil his wife has organized. I didnt realize it then because I was so brain-washed and society didnt have a clue as to what NPD was, until later that what he wanted to do was save his name for another baby boy we may have in the future. It is peaceful now that is away. Yet my husbands sister had called him up and had told him the doctors could do nothing more for his dad and he was going to be discharged with hospice.
He also took when I did not give.
MARVELOUS!!! I hear your love for your sister, and I am truly sorry you had to endure a parent denigrating her own child beyond the grave. The lawsuit demonstrated his ability to make me out to be a monster but did not account for the actions he took that caused extensive damage to me. Providing a back-link or the URL of the content you wish to disseminate; and
Change), You are commenting using your Twitter account. my bf is a narcisstic abuser, he mourn the death of his niece but he didnt cry for losing her as much as he was worried about himself and when he dies, when someone from his family is ill he become extra sweet and caring for them, the only person who gets shit from him is me, I dont get it ..it breaks me a lot.. he is nice to stranger and everyone except me, I have thought of ending my life many times because I was not good enough for him and the rest of the world is good, but then I became careless..I started to tell myself I will be ok one day and I dont have to be good for him, he said many times, I wish you die , I will never cry or even attend your funeral when you die, I cried from that..I felt so sad and ashamed of myself for picking such a man in my life. I had to sit down and really think about this as I am currently processing this myself. Oh, yuck. He was severely depressed, yet his final gesture was to give me one last swift kick. I can relate to this with my husband. I do feel terrible for him that he lost his son. Blessings and gratitude to you. I encouraged him to go. In retrospect, I honestly believe his mind was on the preservation of his image after his death, as crazy as that may sound. Then my sister (not Wendy) sent me an email saying that the family was taking legal action against me. If you are standing up to your narc mil, your health will strengthen. Seriously. I have these same questions about my future ex narc husband? So narcissists might experience a sense of relief when an opponent, who might even be a parent or sibling, passes away. I regret the years of toil and pain with him 40 years of hoping. Also, grief may be somewhat narcissistic for all of us. I was a mess my whole lifeuntil about age 40 when I went to counselling. With my ex his father was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. The fact that it was a one-way, parasitic relationship was even more exceedingly clear after his death. This explains so much on so many levels. Told him your instructions he sent are still in my email. The less you try to figure out the narcissist the better off you will be, as their reasoning is circular, which comes back in their favor; and there is no end to their masks to deceive.
At the same time, the narcissists I have known have handled grief in peculiarly narcissistic ways. Dear Sally: I am glad you discovered this blog, and I am so sorry for your pain. Skillfully. His eyes were on us all night, licking us up, eating us alive. He sat with his dad for an hour or something and then was tired. But narcissists avoid connecting in this way. Truth seems to cause him to rage. From what Ive experienced with Ns they are always the bride at the wedding and the corpse at every funeral. When my husband got back home from his trip, the strange thing he said to me was He didnt wait for us! Meaning, my husband didnt get there in time. My MIL narc yelled at me at my own mothers funeral b/c we had an open casket in the chapel. (And I dont think what he did to me means he doesnt want to feel love). Mourning becomes a competition, & tears are just a weapon, a self-absorbed drama designed to turn attention away from the deceased & onto them, but never to where it rightfully belongs. My mother may send me a money on my bdI will feel obligated to say thank you.
He cornered me and asked for another hug. We all inherited, but he spent it paying off the house we live in and buying a new truck. So hopefully, I can go NCI know it is hard. I get it. While trying to get the keys I was inadvertently pulled over a dining room chair and fell on the ceramic tile floor hard. I really appreciate your compassionate view of this and the need not to over generalize this topic, Dave. As my therapist told me years before, I truly began to deeply pity my ex-husband. My father had left everything to my mom with the remnants to pass to his seven children, so why did this need to change. He had people giving various negative responses to the scapegoats in an effort to defend him when he was consistently the ruthless aggressor. Then, one night we were arguing, he accused me of being too greedy. Strange at the time but now it makes perfect sense. No grief at alljust anger as if Wendy hadnt passed from a dreadful disease that had passed from her liver to her brain, but was trying to make my mom look bad. I know my mom has written me out of her will. Whether its a wedding or a funeral, the narc HAS to be the center of attention. My husband (we were separated for 4 years at the time) kept following me around and finally cornered me and asked rather churlishly if I couldnt give him a hug? I just decided to read to give me strength. Thank you and God bless. That was a cruel post. My point throughout was that narcissists do mourn, but not like the rest of us. He called me to give me the news. I though when his narcissists parents die, hed be free from their clutches. We have all prayed fervently for the narc in our lives, but it took me years to give myself permission to pray for my own strength, my own faith, my own discernment, my own voice. His grief, like all of his emotions, was only skin deep; a means to a selfish end. The way we grieve a narcissistic personality disordered spouse may be off the charts different, in another ballpark. She gets angry with him (understandably) for his emotional distance; after all, she has gone through the same pain, is going through the same grief, and she carried the child for nine months in her womb. But, some of the mourners, including her own sister said to me, That was so nice what he said, but it didnt really sound like Sis. And auntie was rightit sounded nothing like herhe could have written a nice eulogy that celebrated her good points without reinventing her. When she died, he changed. Mind you, my ex-husband died suddenly, unexpectedly and young. It is learned very early in life and so strongly supported that very few will choose to live differently. I see its hard for them to go to funerals. The advent of social media and look at me, look at me would make one think so. So I caved. (I appreciate the great questions that come up in the comments from time to time. Then when they called him home to his dads death bed he told me that he ended up going down to the car and sleeping. However despite my wedding plans cancelled by her i got married 9 month earlier.God provided in ways I cannot begin to list.It has only been since an outburst at New Year I realise the faith nonsense has NOTHING to do with her outrageous behaviour..she has always had narcissistick tendencies as long as I can remember and has made it an excuse for so much. And if they do, you would see their face and its empty. I know that sounds strange, but he comes, and flys right into being the most supportive mournerrunning here and there taking care of things. When he killed himself, there could be no more hope of change or resolution. I am so happy to be in contact with you. Im so glad you caught the irony & a private joke between you and Wendy!! Having experienced some painful misunderstandings related to grief, it eases my heart to hear truth! (LogOut/ While my ex left Me because his feelings were hurt.
Now Im thankful that the generational curse was broken by his death. It was extremely sad, and very well-written. 3. I have been discovering the pain of facing up to having two narcissistic parentsOne is now dead, and the other is my mum who is 85 with health issues.I am presently unravelling the ghastly relationship with my mum and seeking God to guide me in the ways to respond to her.After a lifetime of distress now I am beginning to understand the way she is