Of course the end-goal for this discussion is to come up with ways to help each other fulfill your greatest aspirations. Not to mention, women desire and enjoy sex more when they feel emotionally connected to their partner. my husband is a total extrovert while I much prefer quiet time at home cue conflict! We live together in San Francisco. ), and writing about topics pertaining to mental health, wellness, fitness and parenthood. What we did:We started the day with a high-intensity workout class with Daniel Martinez, our favorite instructor. For this date, wed each filled out a worksheet in advance on what activities we find fun. If you have any additional questions, please refer to our FAQ. It might have been the subject matter, or perhaps we were just in a bad mood, but this date veered off course in an unproductive way. That said, some conflict is unavoidable, necessary and even serves a healthy purpose: to better understand each other. Were focused on our careers right now, and had forgotten the importance of doing things just for the sake of enjoyment. Mama to twins girls and their singleton big sis, when shes not kissing owies, playing dress-up, or mediating sister squabbles, Marissa enjoys dancing (you should see her get down when nobodys watching! Its not something you necessarily have to schedule time for. One revelation was how much weekly Shabbat dinners meant to me growing up, and how Id like to recreate that ritual in our future family. The cool part about being playful is that you can do it anytime you can be silly and laugh together while youre doing the dishes, running errands, or just hanging out. What are some of your favorites? The book suggests holding this date at a place that costs nothing or as little as possible (i.e a park, your backyard, etc.). Please read our, Filter Off helping you to find your match, We use cookies on our site to give you the best experience possible. Get a weekly email with practical advice and insights as your baby grows. As I clicked my neon green highlighter into position, ready to go to battle with papers on desirability in online dating, I overheard Scott making popcorn in the little machine his mom gave him for his birthday. We made it this is our LAST conversation (or date) of our Eight Dates Challenge! When you kiss passionately, you set off a chemical cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that release dopamine and increase oxytocin, both of which make you feel really good in just 6 seconds you tell each other that you matter, and you choose each other all over again (pg. This ultimately will help you reach a place of deeper connection and understanding. Moving forward, were investing the time and money it takes to go on a proper dinner and a movie date, even though its so easy to fall asleep on the couch watching Netflix using his moms password. For those of you going through the eight dates, I recommend taking a break from each other for 20 minutes anytime you find yourself or your partner getting floodedso you can reset. Remember that you and your partner are the base of your family you need to remain solid so the rest of the house doesnt come tumbling down. What we learned:It was fun to laugh and reminisce over photos and reflect on how weve grown up together over the last four years. 74). Good luck! Although I wont kiss and tell, its important to know that sometimes these conversations arent easy. This conversation is about discussing how many children you want to have, as well as reflecting upon the roles each of you will play as parents and how you will maintain the ever-important romantic spark even as youre consumed by new parenthood (i.e. The book suggests holding this date in a quiet, peaceful place where you can speak privately. Do you want to improve your physical and emotional connection with each other? The same doesnt always hold true for men. dum, dum, dum conflict. What kind of parents give their kids presents on Valentines Day?! To get you started, here are some topics to discuss with each other, as laid out in the book Eight Dates: Thank you so much, couples, for following along and participating in this journey with us. What we learned:Its fascinating to hear not only how someone spends or saves, but why theyve developed those habits. 2022 The Gottman Institute. Have fun with this one, couples! This one is all about really exploring each others inner worlds, goals, hopes and dreams. 105). It becomes mundane. 102, 103). ), chances are you either already have children, or are trying to conceive. Copyright 2022, Lucie's List. Were totally in this with you and committed to strengthening our relationships, too. I completely forgot this after my husband and I had our first child. Introduction to the Eight Dates Challenge, how to pandemic-proof your marriage/relationship. Head over to Instagram to tell us, and use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge when you post pics or updates! Their optimism convinces them theres no reason to talk explicitly about decisions like where to live or if they want children. Remember to use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge if you post about the challenge on IG! Cheers to reconnecting with your love and having fun along the way! During this conversation, youll discuss what family means to each of you. 157). Id never heard him talk to his dad about something so serious and intimate. Here are some meaningful questions to ask each other this week, as suggested in the book Eight Dates: No matter what your beliefs (even if they differ from your partners), its important that you each understand and respect each others values and belief systems. If youve stuck with us this far, BRAVO! We hope youll join us on the journey to a happier, healthier, more passionate relationship. Bearing and raising kids is hard, but we're here to simplify everything. What we did:The book suggests a fancy, candlelit dinner, but that sort of contrived romance never felt authentic to us. As mentioned, the date/convo themes are based on the topics that the Gottmans have found matter most to the overall health of a relationship. your relationship after becoming parents is to continue to make each other a priority. The at-home option is to strip down and have a naked date in the living room, bedroom, or backyard (clothing optional, depending on your neighbors). The book suggests holding this date somewhere youve never been before make it spontaneous and adventurous! The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time (pg. By the end of these 8 weeks, I guarantee youll learn things you never knew about each other, and the thought-provoking and meaningful convos youll have had with each other will bring you closer together in all the good ways!After each date, we highly encourage you to journal your thoughts about it, being mindful to think about something you learned about your partner or relationship that you never knew before. Instead, I created a fire hazard (pictured). This may also include child-rearing and, as mentioned above, may start to feel unfair when one partner seems to be doing more of the parenting work than the other. Why so serious? Sure we have to-do lists to complete, but honestly playing and having fun together should be at the top of the list! Crouched down, I put my ear to the door, and eavesdropped. Well, according to the Gottmans, if your partner doesnt want to have sex, the most important thing is not to take it personally. But first, I encourage you to have this one final conversion. In addition to your notes, bring along your sense of vulnerability, passion and open mindedness. How can we accept these differences?, How are we the same and how are we different?, How can we accommodate and accept the differences between us?. This book walks couples through eight conversation-based dates to help them strengthen their connection and discover new things about each other. For instance, something many couples bicker about is when one person seems to choose work over the relationship or marriage. You can also drop us a line at [emailprotected] to tell us how it went! Raise your hand if youre ready to have some FUN with your partner?! According to the Gottmans, You create meaning when you meet each inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity. ), and begin to implement them. But my perspective on this changed a few years ago when I interviewed several divorce lawyers about the common reasons couples get divorced, aside from infidelity or money issues. They include: Keep in mind that 8 dates doesnt have to be a one time deal; people and relationships evolve over time you can (and should!) and we want to hear from you all about how it went. This is where couples are able to create shared meaning and purpose in life. Looking out over the Bay Bridge, we answered questions about our dreams. Before you each come together to discuss, think about how you think about trust and commitment in your relationship, and how you make each other feel safe and loved. For more information on how we use cookies, see our. Then pop. Now that youve defined trust and commitment, lets talk about. The Gottmans offer up some of the following questions to ask your partner on this date remember to listen without judgement, and ask open-ended follow-up questions to keep the convo flowing: Hey there, new parents. Hes an only child and I have a sister, and we both want to recreate the sibling dynamic (or lack thereof) we had growing up. Even if this is truly uncomfortable for you, the goal of this date is to talk about sex, and to do so in a manner that conveys what feels good for you and your partner. To me, romance is the opposite of efficiency. I learned a few quirky things about Scott, like how he wanted to be a cartoonist when he grew up and was voted best dancer for his eighth-grade superlatives. More importantly, we realized that well never stop learning about one another, and we look forward to sharing more about our family histories, spiritual beliefs, financial practices, and yes, sexual preferences. For example, we love working out, and we used to do TRX on Saturday mornings but the ritual faded when our favorite teacher switched studios. continue to have these types of conversations throughout the course of your relationship. Hold this date someplace that feels inspiring to each of you a hilltop at sunset, the beach, on a walk around your favorite area, etc. Each chapter includes research, suggested activities, and written exercises. It will be fascinating to see how many of your dreams match (as well as differ). This is perhaps one of the most important components to any healthy and successful relationship continuing to be curious and asking about (and then wholeheartedly accepting) your partners dreams. He groaned. But reading the book isnt enough on its own. They are based on the eight topics that, according to the Gottmans, matter most to the overall health of a relationship. We recommited to joint workouts, and also decided to try hosting more group dinners for our friends. Marissa lives in the frozen tundra, aka, Minneapolis, MN. What a beautiful gift you can each give each other. Have you been able to overcome challenges together and learn and grow from them? What we learned: I wasnt expecting it, but this was by far our hardest date. Its crucial to a couples relational health to strike a good balance between work and home life, knowing that things will shift over time, and sometimes work (and household labor/child-rearing) will demand more of our attention, and other times less. In happy couples, there is no anger or defensiveness if one partner isnt in the mood (pg. I tend to let the house turn into a disaster zone over several days, and then clean up all at once, during a podcast-fueled spree. Stay tuned for your first challenge, which is all about trust and commitment. I didnt blame him. The pandemic seems to be amplifying this issue, in that many couples have been balancing working from home and parenting together all day every day for over a year. First we shared what we cherished about the other person, then we went through a series of questions about what trust and commitment mean to us. Scott shared a hilarious story about how his mom refused to buy him JNCO jeans the pinnacle of fashion for middle schoolers in the late 90s. Pop. And most importantly, have fun on your upcoming adventures! In fact, according to a study conducted by the Center for Marital and Family Studies, The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high and significant. What we learned:Wed both let fun move to the bottom of our to-do list. Last weekend, I curled up on my couch in our living room, surrounded by our dark purple walls and dozens of academic articles. By the end, we agreed it made our relationship stronger. I had committed both of us to reading the book and going on eight therapist-designed dates without asking him first. That said, you can (and should!) If you read our recent article about how to pandemic-proof your marriage/relationship, you know all about the eight dates that relationship experts Drs. Even though we didnt see eye to eye on this major point, Im happy we identified our differing views and we can continue discussing it in the future. Finances can be a taboo topic but this dates thoughtful questions made it easy to discuss both the lighthearted and more serious side of money. Hope last week was a fun one for yall! So, new moms, dont hesitate to be honest with your partner if thats how youre feeling now too. You can jot it down on a piece of paper, so that when you come together, you can easily remember your thoughts and see if you each feel the same way, or if your ideas are different. One thing we both agreed on is not wanting a kid who requires a list of instructions every time he has a playdate at someones house. All Rights Reserved. We stayed home and discussed our family histories with money, what money means to us now, and how well handle our finances together in the future. On this date, we did what we do best: strategize ways to prioritize fun in the future. We truly hope youve had FUN and that each weeks conversations have brought you closer to each other emotionally, mentally and physically. Like any of the dates, you can also choose to have this date at home. During this conversation youll learn about what you and your partner have in common, how you differ from one another (i.e. In between a steady stream of pops, I could just barely make out the sound of his voice on a phone call. Get practical advice and pro-tips for pregnancy, postpartum and parenting. 202, 203). Share your comments below. What about that time made it your favorite?, Whats your favorite way for me to let you know I want to have sex?, Share three things you appreciate about your partners contribution to the wealth of the relationship (paid or unpaid work)., What is your biggest fear around money?, What do you need to feel safe talking about how you spend money or how you make money?, What are your hopes and dreams about money?, What are the ways in which your parents did or did not appear to maintain their closeness, love, and romance after having children?, What do you think we will love about being parents together?, What characteristics or qualities of mine would you like our child to have?, What does play/adventure mean to you?, Whats the most fun youve had playing in the last few years?, Whats a one-day adventure you could imagine us having together?, What carries you through your most difficult times?, In your childhood, how did your family honor the sacred, or did they not and how did that make you feel? What we learned:Scott and I have had several in-depth conversations about our dreams over the years. 
), and how you manage the conflicts that rise from your differences. Eight Datesprovides an excellent framework to help couples have these easy-to-avoid but crucial conversations. Remember to keep the conversations with each other flowing throughout the course of your relationship! For instance, if you met at the beach it would be a great idea to have this first date of the challenge there. This is so critical because honoring your partners dreams is a potent way to express your care for someone, because it shows a profound love When each partner honors and supports the others dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier, because each person feels supported in being and becoming who they need and want to be (Eight Dates, Pg. Remember, Tommy cant have citrus after 10 a.m. or he gets hives! (But Scotts a picky eater and Im an extreme planner/listmaker, so Im 90 percent sure we will have a kid who comes with instructions.). We haven't taken any money from sponsors or investors. (Hes a prolific vegan chef, if you havent picked up on that yet.) Scott expressed his belief that its morally questionable to add more than one child to an overpopulated planet, while I argued that having a sibling automatically enrolls you in 10,000 hours of training in emotional intelligence. Welcome back, couples. In their book Eight Dates, the Gottmans explain that recognizing a perpetual problem for what it is leads to accepting and valuing how each of you is different accepting your partner for who they are. Whats one source of constant or recurring conflict between you and your partner? If you and your partner dont find the same things exciting or playful, thats OK (my husband would likely go skydiving in a heartbeat, while my idea of adventure is a round of mini golf). What better way to be vulnerable and deepen your level of intimacy than by baring it all?! But consistent long hours come at a price you both may start to feel emotionally disconnected and this puts your relationship at risk (pg. Well get excited because were hosting an Eight Dates Challenge (#8DatesChallenge) to help you bring the sizzle and spice back into your love life. You actually have to go on the dates and have these conversations. You and the people you invite will get a FREE copy of our Baby Registry Cheatsheet! We went to Scotts office building over the weekend and took the elevator to the 37th floor. Hi, friends are you ready to get hot up in herrrre?! Were they religious, and if so, how did they practice?, How have you changed in your spirituality or religious beliefs over the course of your life?, What spiritual beliefs do you want to pass on to our kids?, Did you have any dreams for yourself as a child?, Do you think your parents fulfilled their dreams?, What is the dream you must want to fulfill and why is it so important to you?, Is there an underlying purpose for fulfilling your dream?, Breastfeeding, Newborn Sleep Solutions and more. Heres what you can expect from the challenge: Each week, for 8 weeks, youll receive an email from us with information about the weeks theme, followed by some conversation starters based on the topic. Lets get started, shall we? Take a nice long deep, calming breath because this week were going to talk about growth and spirituality. The rain interrupted our plan to go to Dolores Park, so we visited a coffee shop frequented by couples with young children. Ive always appreciated the way my husband supports me in reaching my goals. How was it expressed in your family growing up?, How do you like to make up after a disagreement?, Think about all the times weve had sex. What we did:To set the mood for a conversation about trust, Scott and I took turns blindfolding one another and guiding each other around the house. Note that when it comes to these differences that are challenging to accept, the Gottmans encourage couples to approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. What we did:Scott cooked a delicious edamame pasta, then we ventured out to a local coffee shop to share a vanilla rooibos tea, worksheets in tow. All rights reserved. I once had a middle school meltdown because my spoiled neighbor received 10 shimmery MAC eyeshadows the sixth-grade equivalent of a Rolex from her parents for Valentines Day. (I dont need research to tell me this HA!). I understood his perspective and committed to taking the time to tidy up daily, so that Scott doesnt have to forge a path to the bathroom through piles of shoes and books. Pop. How many kids do you want? This challenge is just a way to start to build the habit. This thoughtful, research-backed approach to relationships is all part of what I like to call intentional love. Through these activities, weve had many intense conversations about challenging subjects. Why is this so important? the division of household labor. These dont have to be hours-long conversations or out-of-the-house dates, but rather, just a bit of uninterrupted time together once a week after the kiddos go to bed, or when theyre napping on the weekend, for example. She holds a BA in journalism and a MA in marriage and family therapy. Well do the same! My favorite question asked about our most painful childhood memories around money. Six months after we started dating, he agreed to attend a couples workshop by The Gottman Institute calledThe Art and Science of Love. This keeps it 100% reader supported and free of ads or sponsorships. The book suggests blindfolding each other and guiding the other person around the house as a trust exercise ;-). Amidst the screams of crying children, we discussed what our ideal family looks like. Pop. Share with us on IG using the hashtag #8DatesChallenge. I think this date will vary greatly for each couple depending on how religious or spiritual they are. In Eight Dates, the Gottmans say that in general, Men think about sex more than women, and ideally men want sex four to five times a week, and women one to two times (pg. The registry saved my life as it was my first kiddo.
Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issue (pg. Are there differences we cannot accept? (i.e. Thats why we wrote Eight Dates. How were the family dynamics when you grew up? In essence, this is the process of supporting your partner in the journey to becoming his/her truest, most authentic self. That said, putting your relationship on the backburner for too long isnt healthy for anyone you, your partner, or your kids. This weeks conversation is all about strengthening the level of trust and commitment in your relationship. After finishing the collage, we answered questions about rituals of connection and life goals. Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting Online, Lessons in Love Gottman Seven Principles for Singles July 24, 2022, Get the latest on relationships, parenting, therapy and more from the experts at The Gottman Institute, Eight weekly emails guiding you through each date in the book, A live Q&A session with John and Julie Gottman. If youve just recently had a baby, this weeks conversation may be particularly challenging. If you dont want to buy two copies of the book, you can download the worksheets for freehere. Marissa Bader is our Twins Editor and mental health writer. Getting your emails literally feels like I have a friend watching out for me! Curious who he was talking to, because, like most people our age, were afraid of phone calls, I tiptoed over to the hallway separating our living room from the kitchen. Our family-focused date suddenly turned competitive, as we each argued the merits of our respective childhoods. So what happens when your partner turns you down for sex? Your email address will not be published. If you want to noodle around on our site, our 3 most popular articles are: And, if you haven't already, find us Facebook and Instagram. We totally get that your relationship may not feel like a priority right now. 187). The Eight Dates Challenge was designed to help you do that. Were so happy you did (and I bet your relationship is, too!) Theyre leaders in the world of love and relationships. ), pop a bottle of bubbly, and get ready to reignite that romantic spark. Then, together, youll come up with three new shared rituals for connecting with one another (i.e. This led us down the rabbit hole and we Googled the jeans (here). 104). I thanked him for supporting my dream of quitting my corporate job to pursue my passion for dating and relationships.
Some questions to ask each other on this date: Enjoy this one, guys! During this conversation you and your partner can ask each other any questions pertaining to trust and commitment, but the Gottmans recommend some of the following: Remember during your discussion to really listen to each others answers without judgement and with curiosity, pay close attention to what your partner says, and ask each other open-ended, follow-up questions to keep the conversation flowing. Good luck, have fun and share your progress with us on IG using the hashtag #8DatesChallenge. So get outta those sweats (we know its hard do it anyway! I didnt think I had much left to learn about Scott. Afterwards, we hit up Beloved, one of our favorite spots for healthy brunch, and talked about our favorite ways to enjoy life. When things are already getting hot and heavy, no one wants to stop and say, hey honey I dont really like that. Instead, talk about what works (and what doesnt) before you hit the sheets. For now, perhaps you can think of other ways to satisfy each of your needs and be physically intimate without actually having to do the deed. Thanks for your support! Welcome to life as the boyfriend of a dating coach. Ooh la la! eight topics that, according to the Gottmans, Practical Advice to Pandemic Proof Your Relationship, How to Thrive When Youre a Highly Sensitive Parent, Raising Kids to Be Individuals The Importance of Treating Each Child Uniquely, How did your parents show their commitment to each other? Not only did it sound unappealing, but after just having given birth and while I was breastfeeding (with milk leaking everywhere and my boobs the size of watermelons), it was seriously painful. Since youre a Lucies List reader (hey, thanks for that, btw! Scott cooked miso soup from scratch while I tried to set a romantic vibe.
We we did:The book suggested meeting somewhere with a beautiful, aspirational view. (Feel free to buy or check out the book at your local library it will certainly help you follow along, and provide more context about each date but it isnt necessary.) Unlike most sites, we offer an ad-free, sponsor-free environment, so you always know youre getting a full dose of honesty. And be sure to follow along with us on IG @lucieslist and use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge to share your experience (the good and the bad). Julie is an award-winning clinical psychologist whos worked with thousands of individuals and couples. The key is to understand what drives both of you what you each enjoy and find exhilarating compromise and do some of those things together. I was proud of him for being open and vulnerable with his dad. The book actually suggests having these talks naked! 85). There, I said it. ), power, wealth, philanthropy, etc. Before this conversation begins, remember that many conflicts are actually not resolvable these are called perpetual problems. In essence, the key here may be simply deciding which issues you can learn to live with, and which you cant. So while we didnt uncover any big surprises on this date, it felt good to take the time to write them down and share them. On this date, youll probe each other about the dreams that are most important to you, and how you can best support one another in fulfilling those goals.
), and how you manage the conflicts that rise from your differences. Eight Datesprovides an excellent framework to help couples have these easy-to-avoid but crucial conversations. Remember to keep the conversations with each other flowing throughout the course of your relationship! For instance, if you met at the beach it would be a great idea to have this first date of the challenge there. This is so critical because honoring your partners dreams is a potent way to express your care for someone, because it shows a profound love When each partner honors and supports the others dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier, because each person feels supported in being and becoming who they need and want to be (Eight Dates, Pg. Remember, Tommy cant have citrus after 10 a.m. or he gets hives! (But Scotts a picky eater and Im an extreme planner/listmaker, so Im 90 percent sure we will have a kid who comes with instructions.). We haven't taken any money from sponsors or investors. (Hes a prolific vegan chef, if you havent picked up on that yet.) Scott expressed his belief that its morally questionable to add more than one child to an overpopulated planet, while I argued that having a sibling automatically enrolls you in 10,000 hours of training in emotional intelligence. Welcome back, couples. In their book Eight Dates, the Gottmans explain that recognizing a perpetual problem for what it is leads to accepting and valuing how each of you is different accepting your partner for who they are. Whats one source of constant or recurring conflict between you and your partner? If you and your partner dont find the same things exciting or playful, thats OK (my husband would likely go skydiving in a heartbeat, while my idea of adventure is a round of mini golf). What better way to be vulnerable and deepen your level of intimacy than by baring it all?! But consistent long hours come at a price you both may start to feel emotionally disconnected and this puts your relationship at risk (pg. Well get excited because were hosting an Eight Dates Challenge (#8DatesChallenge) to help you bring the sizzle and spice back into your love life. You actually have to go on the dates and have these conversations. You and the people you invite will get a FREE copy of our Baby Registry Cheatsheet! We went to Scotts office building over the weekend and took the elevator to the 37th floor. Hi, friends are you ready to get hot up in herrrre?! Were they religious, and if so, how did they practice?, How have you changed in your spirituality or religious beliefs over the course of your life?, What spiritual beliefs do you want to pass on to our kids?, Did you have any dreams for yourself as a child?, Do you think your parents fulfilled their dreams?, What is the dream you must want to fulfill and why is it so important to you?, Is there an underlying purpose for fulfilling your dream?, Breastfeeding, Newborn Sleep Solutions and more. Heres what you can expect from the challenge: Each week, for 8 weeks, youll receive an email from us with information about the weeks theme, followed by some conversation starters based on the topic. Lets get started, shall we? Take a nice long deep, calming breath because this week were going to talk about growth and spirituality. The rain interrupted our plan to go to Dolores Park, so we visited a coffee shop frequented by couples with young children. Ive always appreciated the way my husband supports me in reaching my goals. How was it expressed in your family growing up?, How do you like to make up after a disagreement?, Think about all the times weve had sex. What we did:To set the mood for a conversation about trust, Scott and I took turns blindfolding one another and guiding each other around the house. Note that when it comes to these differences that are challenging to accept, the Gottmans encourage couples to approach your differences with curiosity rather than correctness. What we did:Scott cooked a delicious edamame pasta, then we ventured out to a local coffee shop to share a vanilla rooibos tea, worksheets in tow. All rights reserved. I once had a middle school meltdown because my spoiled neighbor received 10 shimmery MAC eyeshadows the sixth-grade equivalent of a Rolex from her parents for Valentines Day. (I dont need research to tell me this HA!). I understood his perspective and committed to taking the time to tidy up daily, so that Scott doesnt have to forge a path to the bathroom through piles of shoes and books. Pop. How many kids do you want? This challenge is just a way to start to build the habit. This thoughtful, research-backed approach to relationships is all part of what I like to call intentional love. Through these activities, weve had many intense conversations about challenging subjects. Why is this so important? the division of household labor. These dont have to be hours-long conversations or out-of-the-house dates, but rather, just a bit of uninterrupted time together once a week after the kiddos go to bed, or when theyre napping on the weekend, for example. She holds a BA in journalism and a MA in marriage and family therapy. Well do the same! My favorite question asked about our most painful childhood memories around money. Six months after we started dating, he agreed to attend a couples workshop by The Gottman Institute calledThe Art and Science of Love. This keeps it 100% reader supported and free of ads or sponsorships. The book suggests blindfolding each other and guiding the other person around the house as a trust exercise ;-). Amidst the screams of crying children, we discussed what our ideal family looks like. Pop. Share with us on IG using the hashtag #8DatesChallenge. I think this date will vary greatly for each couple depending on how religious or spiritual they are. In Eight Dates, the Gottmans say that in general, Men think about sex more than women, and ideally men want sex four to five times a week, and women one to two times (pg. The registry saved my life as it was my first kiddo. Have a genuine desire to understand the stories that are underneath the issue (pg. Are there differences we cannot accept? (i.e. Thats why we wrote Eight Dates. How were the family dynamics when you grew up? In essence, this is the process of supporting your partner in the journey to becoming his/her truest, most authentic self. That said, putting your relationship on the backburner for too long isnt healthy for anyone you, your partner, or your kids. This weeks conversation is all about strengthening the level of trust and commitment in your relationship. After finishing the collage, we answered questions about rituals of connection and life goals. Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting Online, Lessons in Love Gottman Seven Principles for Singles July 24, 2022, Get the latest on relationships, parenting, therapy and more from the experts at The Gottman Institute, Eight weekly emails guiding you through each date in the book, A live Q&A session with John and Julie Gottman. If youve just recently had a baby, this weeks conversation may be particularly challenging. If you dont want to buy two copies of the book, you can download the worksheets for freehere. Marissa Bader is our Twins Editor and mental health writer. Getting your emails literally feels like I have a friend watching out for me! Curious who he was talking to, because, like most people our age, were afraid of phone calls, I tiptoed over to the hallway separating our living room from the kitchen. Our family-focused date suddenly turned competitive, as we each argued the merits of our respective childhoods. So what happens when your partner turns you down for sex? Your email address will not be published. If you want to noodle around on our site, our 3 most popular articles are: And, if you haven't already, find us Facebook and Instagram. We totally get that your relationship may not feel like a priority right now. 187). The Eight Dates Challenge was designed to help you do that. Were so happy you did (and I bet your relationship is, too!) Theyre leaders in the world of love and relationships. ), pop a bottle of bubbly, and get ready to reignite that romantic spark. Then, together, youll come up with three new shared rituals for connecting with one another (i.e. This led us down the rabbit hole and we Googled the jeans (here). 104). I thanked him for supporting my dream of quitting my corporate job to pursue my passion for dating and relationships.
Some questions to ask each other on this date: Enjoy this one, guys! During this conversation you and your partner can ask each other any questions pertaining to trust and commitment, but the Gottmans recommend some of the following: Remember during your discussion to really listen to each others answers without judgement and with curiosity, pay close attention to what your partner says, and ask each other open-ended, follow-up questions to keep the conversation flowing. Good luck, have fun and share your progress with us on IG using the hashtag #8DatesChallenge. So get outta those sweats (we know its hard do it anyway! I didnt think I had much left to learn about Scott. Afterwards, we hit up Beloved, one of our favorite spots for healthy brunch, and talked about our favorite ways to enjoy life. When things are already getting hot and heavy, no one wants to stop and say, hey honey I dont really like that. Instead, talk about what works (and what doesnt) before you hit the sheets. For now, perhaps you can think of other ways to satisfy each of your needs and be physically intimate without actually having to do the deed. Thanks for your support! Welcome to life as the boyfriend of a dating coach. Ooh la la! eight topics that, according to the Gottmans, Practical Advice to Pandemic Proof Your Relationship, How to Thrive When Youre a Highly Sensitive Parent, Raising Kids to Be Individuals The Importance of Treating Each Child Uniquely, How did your parents show their commitment to each other? Not only did it sound unappealing, but after just having given birth and while I was breastfeeding (with milk leaking everywhere and my boobs the size of watermelons), it was seriously painful. Since youre a Lucies List reader (hey, thanks for that, btw! Scott cooked miso soup from scratch while I tried to set a romantic vibe.
We we did:The book suggested meeting somewhere with a beautiful, aspirational view. (Feel free to buy or check out the book at your local library it will certainly help you follow along, and provide more context about each date but it isnt necessary.) Unlike most sites, we offer an ad-free, sponsor-free environment, so you always know youre getting a full dose of honesty. And be sure to follow along with us on IG @lucieslist and use the hashtag #8DatesChallenge to share your experience (the good and the bad). Julie is an award-winning clinical psychologist whos worked with thousands of individuals and couples. The key is to understand what drives both of you what you each enjoy and find exhilarating compromise and do some of those things together. I was proud of him for being open and vulnerable with his dad. The book actually suggests having these talks naked! 85). There, I said it. ), power, wealth, philanthropy, etc. Before this conversation begins, remember that many conflicts are actually not resolvable these are called perpetual problems. In essence, the key here may be simply deciding which issues you can learn to live with, and which you cant. So while we didnt uncover any big surprises on this date, it felt good to take the time to write them down and share them. On this date, youll probe each other about the dreams that are most important to you, and how you can best support one another in fulfilling those goals.